It’s a fashion-light episode but it DOES involve Spot, so.
We start with Riker in sickbay getting some sort of spiny plant removed from his back after things “started getting romantic” with him and another crew member in the arboretum.
Fuck so hard I roll over dangerous plants and don’t give two shits
Nurse Ogawa is here, which is always a pleasure, and she’s rocking a seriously voluminous updo, sort of a 1940s meets 1990s sensible French twist. I’m sure she loves having to remove Riker’s sexytime plant spines. That’s definitely what she went to Starfleet Nursing Academy for.
Barclay is also in sickbay, because: Barclay.
He literally claimed he had something called “Terellian Death Syndrome” which is honestly a terrible name for a syndrome
Beverly has asked him repeatedly not to search the medical database before coming to her (AKA Never Search WebMD), but of course Broccoli does. She’s got her gorgeous strawberry shortcake season 7 hair happening:
MFW Barclay shows up in sickbay for the third time this week
The other patient being tended to is also a beautiful redhead:
The laying on of hands
Spot is pregnant and at first I was like “HOW THE FUCK DID SPOT GET PREGNANT” but apparently a) there are 12 male cats on board and b) Spot has a tendency to sneak out of Data’s quarters.
Okay, listen.
1. If there are AT LEAST 13 cats on board, WHERE ARE THEY? I want a Bridge Cat.
Bridge Cat: artist’s rendering
2. HOW IS SPOT GETTING OUT? This is a fucking SPACESHIP. Shit should be LOCKED DOWN. It’s literally AIRTIGHT. I GUESS she could sneak through, like, a vent or something but if you’re going to have cats on board, you need to PLAN for their fuckery.
This could be really bad
3. If the cats are WANDERING THE SHIP, aren’t you worried they’re going to end up in the warp core? Or that even just their fur is? WHO IS VACUUMING UP ALL THE FUR.
Anyway, Crusher is apparently also a veterinarian (which I guess makes sense since she treats all sorts of species) and says that Spot should deliver her babies soon. Nurse Ogawa then says that she’s also pregnant! THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, which is the only reason she says it.
Also important for later:
Oh yeah gimme that t-cell injection
I’ll just tell you now that all the weird stuff that occurs in this episode is a result of Broccoli’s mutated t-cells after he gets this shot (or something). It’s (enjoyable) nonsense so don’t worry about it. I just wanted you to see how much he loved getting this hypospray.
Picard and Data have to drive through an asteroid field to get a stray torpedo (bad). Data asks Barclay to keep an eye on Spot, since she’s about to give birth, and she likes Barclay best of all the people on board. You can tell by the way she looks at him:
This IS my “I love you” face
Broccoli is pleased, because no one likes him.
WE’RE BEST FRIENDS NOW
It’s actually very sweet; Barclay even seems to know something about cats and asks Data where she’s planning to have her kittens.
With Barclay’s luck, she will have them inside his pants while he’s wearing them, somehow
I just really enjoy Data’s display case here, with his violin case juuuuust open enough to let all the dust in, but not quite enough to actually see the instrument.
Spot’s in good hands:
Yarn, Spot? You cliche
Elsewhere on the ship, Worf is having a fucking feast:
No I asked for a SIDE of tentacles
This looks delicious, actually. Giant turkey leg? Some kind of weird dried fish? Potato salad on a bed of green beans? I’m in.
Troi shows up, a little upset that Worf didn’t wait for her, since they planned to have lunch together. He’s mean and it’s weird. You can already tell something STRANGE is happening on the ship, mostly because Troi is NOT wearing a jewel tone:
Eileen Fisher for Spacefleet
Drink this look in, kids, because it’s one of the two non-uniform looks in this episode. We can see here that I THINK Troi is wearing some Danskin shimmer tights with her beige on beige minidress and matching waterfall cardigan. The color is not what we usually see on her, but it’s not terrible (except for my pre-existing anti-beige bias). It’s certainly along the lines of what I wear when I’m lounging around.
Secret pajamas except it’s not a secret. It’s just pajamas I wear in public
Ed. note: I copied that picture of my cat Violet to my clipboard earlier when I was making the images above and I accidentally pasted it here and I can’t bring myself to delete it.
Troi’s hair has reached its astonishing season 7 pouf levels and I just love everything about it. Anyway, Worf is acting like a real dick, but we do get another good look at those Ten-Forward outfits.
IS THAT HOUNDSTOOTH
If I ever attend another con, that’s going to be my look because houndstooth is everything to me.
Later, Worf’s dickishness turns into something MORE:
I’M A DICK ON A RAMPAGE
This scene is super dark and it’s not totally clear what’s happening, but Worf basically just destroys his own quarters, including his pillows, then cuddles up with them on the floor. We do get a decent look at Worf’s jammies, which are brown and might be made of varying colors of burlap.
If anyone was gonna wear burlap pajamas, it would be the Klingons
I’m not sure what’s going on with that shoulder detail, but it can’t be that comfortable to sleep in? But again - Klingons aren’t exactly a culture that considers “comfort” to be something to aim for. If you showed a Klingon an Aerosole, he would 100% cut it in half and throw the halves in your face.
These PJs might also be linen, which would be WAY nicer to sleep in, but a little off-brand. I mean, a Klingon in linen? Can you imagine? Hold on, you don’t have to:
Pure white to better show off the blood of my slain enemies
So everyone is acting weird. Troi is like “I’m cold. I need a bath,” and walks off the bridge. The next time we see her, this is happening:
Deanna, sweetie? It’s more relaxing if you take your uniform off
As she’s taking her fully-clothed bath, Worf busts in and:
CHOMP
It’s actually very upsetting, and at first neither of them even really know how to react either:
Oh god did I just bite you
Did you just fucking BITE me??????
Troi goes to sickbay, where she gets my favorite disco blanket:
Disco Blanket: Because why shouldn’t a blanket be iridescent
To be fair, emergency blankets ARE shiny, so.
You better believe that’s an affiliate link, friend
Okay so THEN Crusher is examining Worf and she asks him to open his mouth and HOO BOY was that a mistake.
Does the replicator not have the recipe for Listerine, or
He SPRAYS her like a fucking dilophosaurus!!
NOT IN THE FAAAAAAAAAACE
Later someone says her injuries were so bad that SHE WILL NEED RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERY. That means in every episode after this (not many, but still), we are seeing a RECONSTRUCTED BEV.
So everyone is losing it, basically, which doesn’t explain why Broccoli thinks this is a normal way to stand:
Is this how a human? Does a stand? How is stand
Finally, Picard and Data come back, and when they arrive, the Enterprise is just adrift. They board and find this:
Sir, if the t-shirt does not spark joy when you touch it, the book counsels you to throw it away. I was unable to apply this method as I do not feel joy, nor any other emotion
It’s the shed skin of a reptile, which: whaaaaaat? Ain’t no reptiles on this ship!
Narrator: actually, there were reptiles on this ship
Troi is still in the bathtub when Picard and Data find her, and she is like, half lizard because the t-cells released when Barclay got that hypospray are making everyone de-evolve. Sure. She looks terrible, which is a real feat since Marina Sirtis is such a Betty:
Honestly she’s still p hot
I think my favorite part of this makeup is the gecko-like fingertips. Excellent detail. Love the scales, love the contacts, love the unripe banana shade of green they used. All great.
Data and Picard go check out what else is happening, and they find a caveman at one of the control panels:
Not a Starfleet regulation haircut
But what’s this? It’s not a caveman at all! It’s…
I heard dramatic eyebrows were back in
…Riker! I guess! The makeup on Frakes here is SO heavy that it’s not immediately apparent that it’s Riker, except that he’s wearing command red and has a beard. Plus, Picard says “Will?” upon this reveal.
FUCK YOU GUYS
I’m saving this as my “flipping the bird” image to use forever.
Data and Picard manage to subdue Riker and get him to sickbay, after which they go to Data’s quarters to use his computer. But guess what happened?
KITTENS
Spot had her babies! They’re legit VERY small kittens and very cute. Data says they’re hungry, and wonders why Spot isn’t taking care of them. And then comes one of the best shots since chicken in the hallway:
Sup
IT’S AN IGUANA WEARING SPOT’S COLLAR. SPOT DEVOLVED INTO LITERALLY JUST AN IGUANA. I laughed so hard at this shot and I REALLY wanted the kittens to interact with the iguana, but they didn’t. I don’t know if that iguana was even on set.
LOL
Data notes that the kittens didn’t turn into baby iguanas, so he thinks maybe there’s some kind of cure for the devolution from pregnancy? Or something? This is where Nurse Ogawa’s recently-announced pregnancy comes into play. So he goes to sickbay, and Picard goes to see what’s going on in Engineering, and finds:
Help meeee
Barclay devolved into, like, a spider? I guess? Because this gene mutating thing is just nuts and does whatever the effects people think will look cool. (And they all do look pretty cool.)
Nurse Ogawa has devolved into Standard Neanderthal #4:
On loan from the American Museum of National History
And finally, the big boss: Worf. Worf turned into something with an exoskeleton that was able to make this dent in the sickbay door:
Rude
Picard and Data speculate that Worf thinks Troi is his mate (sure) and he’s trying to get through the door to her, so they synthesize her pheromones to draw Worf away from sickbay so that Data can focus on making a cure with Nurse Ogawa’s pregnancy hormones. Obviously. But first Picard has to get out of sickbay.
PEEK
Picard manages to lure away the Worf-monster, which looks like this:
Part beetle, part conch shell, all covered in chocolate
It’s hard to see what’s happening but what you can see is just really gnarly:
Are there horny toads on Klingon?
Ultimately, Data is successful in making a cure and sends it through the air ducts so everyone on board is fine. And when Barclay finds out that it was his treatment that started it all, and that he might have a disease named after him:
A hypochondriac’s dream
And don’t forget: THERE ARE AT LEAST 13 CATS ON THE ENTERPRISE
