Charlie’s in Amsterdam, and I’m in my home office where the ceiling just started leaking. LET’S DO THIS.
This episode opens with a probe:
Don’t bother with the undercarriage wash, it’s a ripoff
Who’s calling? Why, a Ferengi in a Ferengi-ass outfit:
I’m a ghooooooost Ferengiiiiii
A classic look. We got high pants and a crop top. We got that big doorknocker chest adornment. We got fabric that doesn’t quite drape the way I want it to. It’s Ferengi Fashion™, and it’s so now.
The Ferengi, Bok, who tried to kill Picard at one point, says that since Picard killed HIS son, he’s going to kill Picard’s son. Picard, and everyone else, are like:
I feel like I’d remember if I had a son
Turns out there is a guy out there who could theoretically be Picard’s son. His name is Jason Vigo, he’s 23 years old, and his mom was a gal Picard had a short relationship 24 years ago. What you do say to THAT, Jean-Luc?
The face of a man who just did that math
Riker is the crew member who gets to hear the exposition about Picard’s potential son, an obvious choice since he probably has countless half-alien children scattered across every quadrant.
The face of a man who just did THAT math
The Enterprise crew head to the planet where they suspect Jason is, and he’s rock-climbing somewhere with seismic activity, so they just beam him aboard without his permission. This seems…illegal? Can they do that? That sounds like kidnapping?
I was just in the middle of a belay!!! (Note: I don’t know anything about rock climbing)
Jason is understandably pissed that he was transported to a ship by some strangers.
Where am I? What is this? Why am I wearing Merrells?
At first glance I thought Jason’s climbing jumpsuit looked a bit like the dude from the season 3 episode “The Hunted,” but further research reveals they mostly just share some quilting and some visible dirt. Jason is giving us some President Bill Pullman hair with some built-in Michelin Man padding.
Gee, my hair looks terrific
So according to this jumpsuit, the places on your body that need the most padding are your elbows (yes), your shoulders (okay), but DEFINITELY NOT your sternum (sorry). In this jumpsuit’s defense, the sternum is a very strong bone, one of the best bones for sure, but it seems rude to be like “YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN, STERNUM” when it comes to rock climbing.
I do enjoy the rubber piping outlining the different pieces of this jumpsuit. It could be a real nice rock climbing-to-fetish-club look if it wasn’t this grey that’s somehow best described as “neon grey.”
Picard is like, “I have a son, and it’s you,” and Jason is like, “am I though?” And then they realize they can just check because it’s the future and also we can do that now too.
How did his hair get even more President Bill Pullman just walking to sickbay
When Dr. Beverly Crusher does her job, she commits to it 100%, even if all she’s doing is a DNA test to see if some rando is the son of her quasi-boyfriend.
The test comes back positive - Jason is indeed Picard’s son! There is some awkward attempted father-son bonding time in which Picard shows Jason a stick he got one time:
Have you seen a stick before, my boy? This is quite a fine example of a stick
Jason is like “I think you got ripped off when you bartered for this stick,” and Picard tries to tell him why the stick is important. (It’s a ceremonial stick.) Here’s my question: did Jason have his original climbing jumpsuit cleaned, or did he just throw it in the clothes recycler and have the replicator make him a new one? If it’s the latter, couldn’t he have done something about how eerily smooth his lower torso and crotch are? It’s unsettling to look at when he’s not in his climbing harness.
Meanwhile, the ship gets a message from a different Ferengi:
Not Armin Shimerman
This guy is calling from the Ferengi homeworld to let the Enterprise crew know that Bok is unstable (duh) and bought his way out of prison, which sounds like something only the Ferengi would do until you remember how the American justice system works and realize it’s something rich white people do here all the time.
His heavily-beshouldered jacket looks like it’s made of the same material I used to sew arm covers for my couch so my cat wouldn’t scratch it up. The print would probably be called Jungle Stripe or Festive Amazon if you saw it in a catalog. The catalog would obviously be Coldwater Creek.
Jason has also changed into something your dad’s friend who just won’t stop trying to get the band back together would wear:
It’s authentic faux rattlesnake
This vest is textured to a point where I think you could use it as a washboard in your Appalachian mountain band. It’s a gorgeous shade of red, a nice deep cherry that’s actually great with Jason’s coloring. Underneath, Jason wears a shirt whose shoulder seams prove that it’s approximately three sizes too big for him, AKA Welcome To Menswear In The Nineties. I’ve been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer from the beginning recently and Xander and Oz have a complete inability to wear clothing that fits.
MORE VOLUME IN THE SLEEVES. NO, MORE
The back of the vest is a pretty terrible brown, and his pants are a dingy greybrown. This is less of an “ensemble” and more of a “I needed items to cover my shame and just told the replicator to surprise me.” But I do actually kind of love that vest.
We’ve got a fun guest star here for any fans of Caroline and the City:
The main thing I remember about this character is that she was in Cats. TOPICAL
Yes, this elfin haircut last seen in one of those giant books they have at the salon so you can decide on your hairstyle once you get there, like a MANIAC, is being sported by Amy Pietz, best known to me as Caroline’s neighbor and friend Annie. She and Constipated Shia LaBeouf have been assigned to guard Jason, and he’s being a real dick about it. But then, he gets the shakes!
I asked for fresh-squeezed and they gave me FROM CONCENTRATE? What kind of ship are you running here, DAD
It’s unclear what’s wrong with him, but it soon gets worse when he has a full seizure in his quarters:
It looks like he drank some orange juice from concentrate. This could be very bad
It turns out Jason is suffering from Forrester-Trent Syndrome, which is a rare neurological disease invented by the TNG writers. Crusher also decides to run a microcellular scan, which I’m only mentioning now because it’s important later. Jason goes to work his feelings out the only way he knows how: rock climbing.
Get lost!! You’ll never be my dad!!!!
If you think I won’t climb this cliff to prove I want to father you…
…then you know NOTHING of Jean-Luc Picard
Picard and Jason have a real nice heart-to-heart on this rock face while Jason wears stirrup pants. Then Crusher calls with some news. Before WE get to hear that news, though, Jason gets kidnapped by Bok:
Why do people just keep transporting me without my consent
Never transport someone unless they’re into it.
So now Bok has Jason, who’s back in his collarless vest:
Do you think you could make me a vest like that
However, it turns out that Jason isn’t Picard’s son after all! Bok RESEQUENCED JASON’S DNA, which a) WHAT and b) is what gave him the neurological disorder that made him have the seizures before. What a dick, right? The other Ferengi helping Bok realize they’ve been lied to and give Jason back to the Enterprise.
Jason decides to get his life together on his original planet, so he changes into his best look of the episode:
Category is: Disco Lumberjack
He’s giving me quilted silver. He’s giving me a rhombus belt. He’s giving me a periwinkle/green apple gingham. This is your look, Jason!! You found it!!
Tell me your blowdry secrets, Jason
Does the vest have a zipper or any fasteners at all? No. Does it matter? I don’t know the climate on Jason’s planet, so I can’t answer that. I’d certainly want a zipper on a vest that quilted. Even though this experience gave him a rare neurological disorder and jerked him around emotionally, he’s better for it, I guess?? And Picard gives him that stick from before as a memento:
DO YOU LIKE IT JASON
You know what? I do
* This article was originally published here
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